After a day back in Cairns, it was time for another adventure. This time I was headed to the Atherton Tablelands. I booked a tour for this part, I didn’t want to worry about getting around out there on my own since it’s a good deal more complicated that the Daintree with it’s one road. I booked a two day trip with On The Wallaby tours.

My first impression of the tour was slightly negative, the bus to the Tablelands was about 20 minutes late but did arrive eventually. We started by going up the Bruce highway. There are more bicyclists on this road than I’ve see the whole time in Cairns. Road bikes and even a few triathlon bikes. We stopped at a gas station in near the Welsh Pyramid mountain. It’s a very pretty mountain and the largest of that type in Australia or something like that. You can apparently hike it, so I’m putting it on my list of things to do if I ever come back to Cairns.

Next. we stopped at a lookout and took some pictures of the valley as we headed up into the Tablelands. Then things finally started to get interested. We stopped by the cathedral fig, which is an exceptionally large strangler fig. The tour guide was beginning to show a sense of humor and started by taking the group to a runt of a tree off the path. We were all ready to nod and pretend we thought it was amazing, because what else are you supposed to do in a group but drink the Kool-Aid and say it tastes good? But then he turned us around and we saw a gigantic tree. I couldn’t step back far enough to get it all in one photo. It was covered in the strangler vines all hanging down and making it truly awesome. There was a wooden boardwalk around it, with a little path where you could actually got inside the vines. The tree was massive, if I had to hazard a guess it was probably about 10 meters in diameter. I can’t even estimate the height, just think massive. It was hard to really explore since we were in big group, but definitely worth it.

Then we stopped at a volcanic lake. We didn’t swim at this one, we did a jungle walk. This time we saw some really ancient (literally prehistoric) bull pines. Another forest dragon and I finally saw a stinging tree. I don’t remember if I described it before, but it stings you with tiny fibers on it leaves. The sting feels like boiling water being poured on your skin for hours. It also inflames any lymph nodes nearby (armpit or groin). Then, it you don’t get the fibers out by waxing the area it hurts whenever there’s a temperature or pressure change for up to 18 months. I really wanted to see it so I’d know what to look out for.

After the nature walk we headed to the first swimming site. It was a big lake with no dangerous animals in it, but this was Australia so I was on the lookout anyway. It did have turtles and fish. I swam around and saw turtles and fish. Then on to the first waterfall called Millaa Millaa. It’s the waterfall that they use in all the shampoo commercials where the lady flicks her hair and there’s a huge arc of sexy water. So naturally everyone did hair flips. Most were not shampoo add quality, except for the sexy one shown below…

At this point I think I should say I liked the guide. I wasn’t sure at first because he’s older and seemed pretty quiet. But he’s pretty funny. And he made the whole bus lurch by putting it in insanely high gear at about 10kph, all in time to ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’. It was amusing.

Next we went to the crater and dinner falls the crater was, a crater. Impressively deep and when the guide threw a rock in it made a gunshot-loud boom when it finally hit the water a decent number of second after he dropped it. I took pictures of the granite for a geologist friend, because he guide said it was geologically interesting. So interesting. We played around at dinner falls a bit. Apparently the area is known for tree kangaroos and cassowaries but all we saw was a bush turkey and bush fowl. The Australians sure know how to name things.

The last stop was a river which was known to be home to several platypuses. We spent a good hour prowling up and down the river banks, but ultimately not one person in the group saw one. Platypuses are supposed to be most active as dusk and dawn when the feed, so I’ll be back tomorrow morning. The hostel is supposedly a short walk away.

As promised the hostel was a short drive away. Most of the people on the bus were doing a one-day tour so they headed back to Cairns. Three of us stayed behind at the On The Wallaby Lodge. The hostel is small, and very cosy, friendly, and clean. The manager was super friendly and cooked us a great steak, hotdog, salad, coleslaw, and mashed potato dinner. Then the other two girls and I headed to bed, luckily we had a 6 seron room to ourselves. The space between the bottom and top bunks was laughable, a person could not even sit up in there, so we all took top bunks.

Day 2

We woke up bright and early at 6:20 to attempt another platypus viewing. The two other girls decided to join me on my platypus adventure. Their names were Miriam and Evelin. They’re from Austria and my first true friends of my trip in Australia, as measured by the Facebook standard. We walked back down to the creek, which took about 15 minutes. We stayed for a good 30 minutes, with me starting at one spot for half the time. I SWEAR I saw ripples and bubbles, which are signs if a foraging platypus. But, ultimately, it was too cagey for me. I did not see a wild platypus. We gave up and headed back to the lodge.

Then our guide for the day showed up. He was about my age with a neck tattoo of a wolf face, centered on his Adam’s apple. Pretty sweet. The agenda was different awesome fig tree viewing, mountain biking, eating, swimming, waterfall viewing , and canoeing.

The curtain fig was pretty cool. It was still a strangler, but the tree it was strangling fell over mid-strangle. It landed, and miraculously balanced, on another tree at about a 45 degree angle. so the strangler grew up it at that angle. So the effect was neat and curtain-y, again the Australians display their prowess at naming things. We also saw a bunch more stinging trees.

Next we went to the mountain bike park. It’s a whole mountain and surrounding area devoted to mountain biking and motocross bikes. Our bikes were in mostly good working order, my front derailer was broken but it was stuck in the easiest gear so it was ok. We headed out. The lady from the lodge told the guide to take us on the intermediate route. So, not riding on roads, but easy trails. The shortest option was about 5k and the longest 11k. Pro Tip: Mountain biking is really hard. I know you’re a badass in your head, but take the short route. We were feeling good about 2k in when the road split, so we went for the long route.

The rocks were very challenging, especially when going through creek beds or uphill. I ended up walking a fair amount of those bits because I couldn’t manage to keep my bike going straight. Or I was scared because it was too rocky. Bikes are not especially stable when going less than walking speed over rocks, fyi. And I was entirely not interested in landing on said rocks.

About 5k in I could tell the other girls were exhausted. I was too. The uphills were killer and my back was hurting. My seat was leaned way too far back making me hunch over. The guide tried to fix it, and did to some extent but it was too late. The quick release on my seat was also acting up and allowing the seat to pivot. He fixed that too. Basically, I was the problem child/whiner of the group.

So anyway, 5k in we stopped for water. There was nothing we could do about the tiredness so we got ready to keep going. A nice little lizard provided more intermission when he began crawling on our parked bikes. Eventually it was time to go again. Luckily we were heading back, so it was mostly downhill. It went quicker. About 6 or 7k in we crossed the road. Miriam said she wanted to go back on it rather than the trail. She was tired of the hills. She had also fallen over, not violently but still, so was kinda over it. I could have kept going on the trails but did not mind switching to the road one bit. After that it was a quick and easy return. The lesson of the day is that mountain biking is way harder than road biking. And about 10k is my limit. And I’ll definitely be sore tomorrow.

Next we went to lunch. This was the first time I’d been out to eat in Australia. We went to a gas station because it was Sunday so most restaurants were closed. Was feeling pretty wary about gas station food, but I ordered a bacon and egg burger. Pro Tip: Bacon = ham It came about ten minutes later and my doubts about the gas station food were gone. It looked amazing. Pro Tip: Ham IS the meat. A ‘hamburger’ is a literal burger of ham. Ham and egg, carrots, lettuce, beets, cucumbers, onions, and barbecue sauce on top. It was amazing, including the beets.

Then we stopped back at the hostel to change into swimming stuff. We headed back to lake Eachem, the same place we swam yesterday. It was nice to just cool off, so we paddled around in the lake for 20 minutes. It was pretty crowded.

Next we went for the nature walk. This one was the most boring, but still awesome. We saw a couple releasing a 3 meter python they’d trapped near their home. It was big. Then we headed down to see the falls. No animals of note. They had king ferns, though. Which get about 7m high and are the largest of the fern family. They’re held upright by a high pressure liquid in the stems if the leaves. So if they get punctured they squirt and deflate. Cool. We walked under a trickly waterfall and took some pictures. I have a decent amount of pics screwing around with Miriam and Evelin, hence the Facebook friending.

The final stop was canoeing. At first I was with the guide, him in back steering. And the girls were in their own canoe. It became quickly apparent they they were not grasping the concept. AT ALL. The went in circles and zigzagged but only made about 50m of forward progress over 20 minutes. It was decided I’d switch out and steer for Evelin while the guide steered for Miriam.

It was better after that except Evelin wasn’t quite understanding that we were not locked in a battle to the death to steer the canoe. no trust, that one. Whenever I stuck my paddle in to steer us she’s stroke extra hard on the opposite side, which kinda defeated the purpose. We had to steer through a field of dead tree trunks which was…. challenging. But we made it. I told her to take it easy, but I think the language barrier was up. We went for a paddle, mostly seeing birds. No platypuses. We were also trying to see a tree kangaroo. Both are nocturnal, though, so chances were low.

We gave up and began heading back when Miriam said she saw something. We looked and sure enough a tree kangaroo! Really high up and partially hidden so I didn’t get a pic. But still. Yay! It was very cute from the small amount I saw of it. Almost monkey-like.

Satisfied we headed back to the launch. We had taken too much time waging war with the canoes so we had to go straight back to the lodge rather than trying for a platypus one more time. We showered up, bought some mangoes from the corner fruit stand and packed up for the drive back to Cairns.

Today is the day. My big hike down to Cow Bay. In particular the aboriginal tree painting and the exotic fruit ice cream store I saw as we drove through town. Since we made some stops after the town it was hard to judge the distance to town, but I didn’t think it could be that far. I was wrong, but we’ll get into that later.

Being a reasonable person, I asked the front desk. They said about 35 minutes by car, and that walking wasn’t possible. Oh. I almost, let it go. Almost. Pro Tip: Listen to the locals. It turns out they know the area they live in pretty well. I started walking north instead to one of the short hikes on the hostel map. Then I got to the beginning of the trail. It showed all of Cape Trib, including Cow Bay. According to the scale Cow Bay was only about 20k away (NO! Don’t do it, past self!). I walked that far yesterday. I felt I could handle double the distance today, I have done an Ironman after all. (This is not meant as a brag, but as an insight into how I think about any challenge. If it’s not worse than an Ironman, I must be able to do it, despite having been out of training for over a year).

So I grabbed a granola bar, some tuna, a water bottle, and my torch (er, flashlight) because I thought I would be gone past dark.

At first it was great! I went at an easy pace. I saw some wild pigs and a caramel colored bird that looked a bit like I imagine storks look. Nature! I passed the first landmark, about 7k in after 1 hour 45 minutes. A bit slow, but no cause for concern, right? After that I didn’t see much wildlife just some butterflies.

After about 10k I had to pee really bad. I’d been hydrating so well, I congratulated myself on this (though I was not so happy about it later). There was a place where the road was about 10 feet from the beach. I figured I could make it through 10 feet of jungle without dying. I was correct. I relieved myself and carried on.

At this point I had finished about half of my water bottle. I had also eaten my granola bar. About 14k in I came across a beach cafe. I briefly considered food but decided to hold out for Cow Bay, which was another (hypothetical) 5k away. I realized, a bit too long after I’d left, that I should have asked them to fill my water bottle. Pro Tip: When the opportunity presents itself ALWAYS fill your water bottle. I’d chatted with the owners a bit and they told me Cow Bay was another 7k down the road. OK, 7k, still not bad.

At this point my feet were complaining a bit. Probably due to the long walk the previous day on top of this. But I really wanted to make it. I continued on, against the good advice of the little voice in my head. The road got a little less forested with various inns and motels strewn about. None were really close to the road though. And I didn’t recognize any of them. I could have sworn the drive up hadn’t been up the same road. But it had to have been, since there is literally only one road. So I plugged on.

I was out of water and really thirsty. I was beginning to regret not bringing my second water bottle. That would have been mega heavy though. And my shoulders were ready complaining from the messenger bag I kept shifting from side to side. I began considering the various streams that were fast flowing, apparently the water in the is safe to drink, but I was too scared of crocodiles.

I don’t doubt I would have been fine, there were plenty of cars passing me, but at that moment I was a bit worried. Then I just happened upon a fruit stand! I bought a coconut. It was on the honor system, but I only had small change or a 10. I got a small coconut and stiffed them a buck, intending to pay the rest on my way back. I figured they wouldn’t begrudge me a dollar in this life and death emergency.

Now, how to open it without a knife. I didn’t really think this through. I wildly bashed my coconut into the road a few times. I’m sure I looked like a demented ape. Getting it cracked open, but not spilling the water inside is a delicate balance! I then stabbed at it with a stick and managed to make a drinking hole about an inch in diameter without spilling much. I drank it and tried to spit out all the coconut skin I’d mashed in when jabbing the stick at it. It was amazing. Electrolytes!

I finally reached a place I recognized. I was the first lodge/restaurant we’d passed after town! Yay! I didn’t stop for water because I was so close!

Around then I happened to look down at my feet. I was surprised to see not only a blister, but that it was bleeding. Of course, the injury that hadn’t been complaining at all immediately began to hurt ridiculously badly as soon as I saw it. I hobbled the last few hundred meters to the ice cream place.

It was neat. All exotic fruit trees along the driveway. And when you get the the building it’s just a little hut. I walked up and was trying to decide what flavor to get, passion fruit, pineapple, apricot, or wattleseed. Then the lady informed me that you do not get a choice. You get all four flavors in a cup, like it or not. Which is completely amazing because the thing I HATE worst in the world is choosing! The pineapple and wattleseed were super good. Wattleseed tastes like cappuccino. The passion fruit was pretty OK. And the apricot was meh, which is probably unsurprising. I sat in the grass and ate it. I also rinsed off my gross blister-foot.

I then asked the lady if she had tap water I could fill my bottle with. She warned me it was creek water, but I figured it was ok because I’m sure that’s what she drank and said to fill-er up. I chugged half of it. She was less happy to fill it the second time, but I didn’t care. I had a long walk ahead.

Luckily, I has packed bandaids, just in case. Pro Tip: Always bring bandaids with you everywhere. So I put copious bandaids over the bleedy foot and the same spot on the other foot which was in the beginning blister phase. I put some in other likely blister spots and basically made bandaid-shoes because, why not? I had a ton with me.

The trek down had taken me 5 hours. Screw the Aboriginal painting, I was heading home. It would be at least 9pm before I got back, and that assuming my bandaid shoes could support my bleeding, blister-ridden feet for 22k.

The first 4k went surprisingly fast and was only at a walking-on-broken-glass level of pain. I steeled myself for 4 more 4k’s (which is how I psychologically break down and absurdly long distance I have to go), when the car that was passing me stopped. It was a nice young couple from Melbourne that had been on the fruit tasting tour with me. The asked if I ranted a ride I said yes. Duh. (Yes! PRAISE THE SWEET BABY JESUS! GIVE ME A RIDE!!!!)

I felt kinda bad because I’m sure I smelled AWFUL. They dropped me home without incident, me without getting murdered, them without fainting from my stench. I hobbled to my campsite and then went to read a bit in the main bar/lounge area. I was super tired once I stopped moving. And my feet were DYING both top and bottom. Just completely done with blisters and walking. But I felt way too grimy, so a shower was in order. I got my stuff and slowly limped to the shower. I scrubbed myself better than I have since getting here.

My death march was over. I slept like a rock.

12 Jan 2014

I slept through my alarm! Pro Tip: Always use your eye mask and earplugs so noisy drunkards don’t keep you up all night.I was supposed to get up at 6. I woke up at 630 and was freaking out. I ran around packing and simultaneously trying to boil the last of my eggs to bring with me. II managed to throw everything together and make it out the door at exactly 7a. The tour bus wasn’t there. I panicked. Then I looked at my ticket. It didn’t leave until 7:30. Boo.

The tour showed up promptly at 7:30 and I hopped on. Since we were going overnight they had a nice little trailer to put our big backpacks in. There were nine other people, about half the capacity of the bus. We headed out. They pointed out nice things along the way up north. Like the giant sugar cane plantations and the “cane train” tracks that hauls it all around.

They also told us about Captain Cook, who pretty much discovered the whole area. He shipwrecked there and was pretty sad about it, so he named things Cape Tribulation, Mt Sorrow, Mt Misery, Mt Despair, etc. He ended up being murdered by the Hawaiians once he fixed his ship and sailed there. They probably got sick of his negativity when he tried to rename Kauai, “I Cut Myself Just to Feel Something Island”.

Next was a crocodile spotting tour on a salt water river which feeds into the ocean. Apparently there’s a 4+ meter croc named Scarface in there. We didn’t see him, which I was not too disappointed over. We did see two baby crocs though they were cute. The tour guide was also pretty amusing. Like Crocodile Dundee with a sense of humor. The boat also acted as a ferry which dropped us on the other side if the river where the tour buses were waiting.

One the ladies working at the crocodile tour had a baby fruit bat! It was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen! It lost its mom so she’s raising it. It was sucking and licking her thumb. And if she didn’t pet it constantly it would reach its cute little wing out and grab at her. It was all swaddled up in a blanket. I almost died of cuteness.

We drove up a nice windy narrow road into the rainforest next. We stopped for a tour of a boardwalk path along the way. We learned all about mangroves, basket ferns, strangler figs, etc. We also saw some huge fiddler crabs and found a nest of green ants. They’re cool cause they pick a leaf and slowly pull it in into a ball. They glue it that way permanently with saliva. Not sure WHY they do that, but they do. It just looks like a giant moving ball of green insects. Kinda gross. The guide said they tasted like lime, so I tasted one. It was true. Very tangy. Almost like liking a nine volt battery that’s lime-flavored. Pro Tip: Just because you can eat the ants, do NOT go around tasting the rainforest. You will die. Quickly.These are also the ants that the aboriginals use as stitches. Tasty and functional!

Then they dropped us off at out various accommodations. I went in and got my campsite assignment. I went to see it it and it was pretty clearly one of the crappiest ones. There was literally no one else camping. So I went back and asked for the best one. I got it with no problem. So now I have a nice grassy patch under a big tree that will hopefully shield the rain. I think they just have a policy at most hostels to get rid if the worst rooms/sites first.

The first activity I planned was a night hike. The weather wasn’t bad so I walked to the beach while I waited for the hike. There’s no swimming allowed though, due to the jellies. It was a nice beach. Probably the biggest empty beach I’ve ever seen. It goes for miles and no one is on it.

The night hike was fun. The guide was a bit… blunt, I guess. He didn’t really tolerate B.S. and was generally annoyed by the stupid questions people asked. I liked him. He handed out flashlights and we headed into the rainforest. It had stopped raining… For the moment. We saw some crazy-big spiders, white-tailed rats, cane toads, centipedes, and a frog that looks an awful lot like a cane toad but is not actually an invasive species. Midway through it’s started bucketing rain down. I tried to look around but water was constantly in my eyes. We saw trees and nice plant life and rain. All the smart animals were hiding, the dumb humans were still wandering around. But the guide seemed really into all the naturey things so it was still really cool, despite the torrential downpour.

13 Jan 2014

It was pretty hot in the tent once the sun came up, yes sun, it had stopped raining! I got up and ate a breakfast of dried fruit and muesli bar. I bought the same food as I’ll be taking on my Tasmania hike. This is a dry run, so nothing but mediocre rations for me. I was kinda just lazing around so I got the campsites brochure out to see what hikes there were.There were three one-hour hikes and one four-to-five hour one. It was 930 and I had to be somewhere at 2.

But I also really wanted to save tomorrow, my whole day of doing nothing, for a really big adventure down to some of the towns we passed on the way up. That would take a whole day. So, in the spirit of doing everything. I decided to try to cram the 4-5 hour hike in. I quickly got ready and began speedwalking north toward Emmagen Creek, about 8k away from the campsite. I tried to take time to look for creatures on the way up but mostly I was saving that for the way back. I figured once I knew how long it took me to hike up there I could budget my time on the way home accordingly.

On the way up there were a few really major hills that definitely left me quite winded and tired. Once I stopped because I saw a lump in the road. Sure enough it started moving. I freaked myself out that it was a crocodile even though I was at least a kilometer up and several away from any salt water. But it was the right size for a baby one, about three feet long. I went really slowly until I saw the thing crawling up a hill on the side. It was not a crocodile. It was a giant three foot lizard. Pro Tip: Not every lizard is a crocodile, but it’s not a bad idea to treat them like they are until you’re sure.So I continued on. The next thing I saw were some birds that can only be described as graceful chickens. They were a similar size and seemed built for running. They proved it by dashing into the forest before I could get a picture. I reached the hiking path in about an hour and ten minutes. Pretty good if it was actually 8k. That was all along the paved and/or gravel Cape Trib road. Then there was another kilometer or so of hiking path.

At this point I began second guessing myself because, while the path was definitely there, it was also though some pretty crazy rainforest. But I figured since there are no large predators in the actual rainforest I’d be ok. I was watchful for snakes, though. So I forged on and told myself I had to turn around at 1130 at the very latest to be sure to allow plenty of time for the return. Especially since I had climbed over a giant mountain but was pretty much back at sea level, so I’d have to climb it again on the way home.

I made it to the end of the path and it was a glorious freshwater swimming hole, as promised. It was 1115 and I had pretty thoroughly freaked myself out about crocodiles (the saltwater ones can live in freshwater, the guide said so!) so I only went in for a second to cool off and get some pics of the resident fishies. The water was remarkably clear, but that seems to be the standard here.

I began my trek back. I took it slower. I really want to see a tree kangaroo in the wild so I was mostly looking up. I didn’t see one. What I did see was a cassowary. It popped out on the road for a second, saw me, and vanished before I could get a picture. Then I saw a few of the Ulysses butterflies go by. They are the most bright, almost neon, royal blue. Gorgeous. I also saw and made friends with a different butterfly. His wings had a turquoise boomerang shape and some dots. He flew with me down the path for a decent way and tried to land every few second but didn’t find his touchdown spots to be adequate for whatever reason.

On my way home I made really good time so I stopped in a tourist shop called The Snake House, which is very close to the campsite. They have various snakes in cages, nothing super impressive though. The lady at the register would know about reptiles so I asked about the giant lizard. It was a goanna. I also asked about the chickens, they were brushfowl. Nothing exotic. Womp womp.

I was really hungry at that point. So I ate my rations of tuna and another muesli bar before heading to my 2p exotic fruit tasting. I had decided to walk rather that get picked up once I saw on the brochure how close the farm was. The farm is ten acres and grows about 150 types of exotic fruit, but their commercial fruit is…. Mangosteen! Pro Tip: Mangosteen is amazing! Yay! Unfortunately it’s not in season so it wasn’t on the tasting menu.

To get super detailed, here are the fruits we tried on a scale from Yum! to meh. We started with unsweetened limeade from West Indian limes. It was pretty good, but does not get a spot in my rating system.

Yellow Sapote (Like a unicorn pooped a ranbow-sparkle sweet potato!): This one was my favorite. It looked like a sweet potato. Kinda tasted like one too. But very creamy and smooth. No one else liked it so I happily ate pretty much the whole thing.

Soursop (Deliciously juicy): They were so juicy you had to lean over the trash to eat them. But very sweet and again an odd, almost doughy texture.

Jakfruit (Yum!): It can be up to 3 feet long and 45 kilos. Pretty much the whole inside is edible. The rind is super sticky, though so you have to cook it or something. The part we ate were these little fleshy golfball-sized pods that contained the seeds. The were oddly doughy in texture but fairly sweet and good.

Salak (yum). The outside were a bit like lychee, actually so were the insides. Well, structurally. It actually broke apart into segments, like mangosteen, once you had it peeled. It tasted like a granny smith apple but dry. No juice at all. Odd. Probably my third favorite.

Carambola (yum-ish): That’s the fancy name for star fruit. It was much better than in the states. Nice and sweet with some tartness. Apparently they suck in the states because in order to ship them around you have to pick them early, when they’re not ripe, and they don’t develop any flavor.

Abiu (I’d eat it again, I guess): Sweet and tart. Again it had the sticky rind. They cut it like you would an orange but recommended popping it out of the rind rather than biting into it since it will stick everything to your lips for a long time and water doesn’t work to get it off.

Marmey Sapote (eh): Similar to the other sapote except redder and more juicy (the yellow was fairly dry). It kinda resembled papaya. Eh.

Gramichama (meh): Little orange and red berries. The orange were slightly less ripe and tasted sweet and vaguely planty. The red were much sweeter, just a generic berry flavor, but less plant flavor, which was good.

Davidson Plum (very Meh): were pretty. Deep purple blue on the outside, blood red on the inside. Unfortunately, while they look super sweet and juicy, they are actually horribly sour. Not a fan.

Unfortunately, none of these fruits ship well. The abiu can be entirely rotten inside and look fine outside. The others bruise from just bumping around in a car. Others are a pain in the butt to grow. Others just don’t have high enough demand to make them commercially viable. I’ll miss you, yellow sapote… sigh

We went on a little tour of the farm too, which was fascinating. The couple who own it planted everything on the ten acre property to be edible. If it wasn’t edible it served some other purpose. Like the bamboo they had acting as a water pump in a low area because it’s such a thirsty plant.

I really like it here so I asked the owned if he ever hired people. I said I might come back in April during the big growing season. He did not seem super enthusiastic. I think because they’re selling the farm and tired of working it. Pro Tip: Try to be a bit friendly before asking for something you want. These people do not yet understand it is their privilege to hire you. I wish I had a million dollars (that’s how much it is, roughly), I’d run away and fulfill my childhood dream of becoming a fruit farmer. I definitely had that dream. Right up there with astronaut and being a dog.

Instead I walked up the road to a little way to a place called Farmstay. I wanted to see what their deal was. As I was walking up so was another girl who worked there. A chicken ran up to her, so obviously ecstatic to see her. It was adorable. Anyway the manager greeted me and I told her I was just seeing what the place was in case I came back and needed lodging. I told her about our fruit theme wedding and she got all excited. She said they also generally do work for accommodation and would love to have me during the growing season. And then she insisted on bringing me to the back and giving me free fruit. I got three bananas, half a soursop, a mango, and three limes. Now this was proper fruit enthusiasm..

After that my feet really did hurt, so I headed home. I signed up for a pool tournament at the hostel. Mostly just to get free pool but I ended up in the final round. Mostly due to luck, since they play with smaller balls here so I was sucking big time. I just managed to force two of the guys to scratch on the eight ball by giving them terrible shots, but won the first game legitimately. I lost in the finals, which was good because I had no business there in the first place. And the guy I was playing looked like he DESPERATELY needed the $50 bar tab, which was the prize.

It had been a beautiful, if hot, sunny day with only sporadic 30-second rain showers. It was awesome!

**Look for a separate post detailing day three. It will be called the Cow Bay Death March. Foreshadowing!

15 Jan 2014

I woke up at 8:30 or so and ate a quick breakfast. I started packing up all my stuff, which was interesting and a bit challenging. Pro Tip: Everything is always damp, because it’s a RAINforest.Then I had to deal with the massive amounts of green ants that were swarming the side of the tent. They were pretty cool because the day before I watched them take down a horse fly. It was buzzing around under the rain fly and landed. A green ant that happened to be there just latched onto its leg. In short order 6 other ants had secured its other legs and one wing. I assume they dragged it off and ate it and was glad because it was annoying. But ever since then, they’d been congregating in the area.

Anyway I had to shake them all off, because i didn’t feel like eating them. I also had to hope it didn’t rain since I had stuff drying on the clothesline.

I finished packing. I told myself I’d check out and take it easy, but there was a boardwalk I hadn’t done yet and my feet were mostly feeling better… So I put my stuff in the luggage storage and headed off at a slow walk.

The boardwalk was amazing, as usual. First I saw a skink that only lives in Cape Trib. I then came across a couple who said there was a python up ahead. They also warned me of a different snake that was literally on the path. That didn’t stop me from almost stepping on it while momentarily distracted. But I saw it at the last minute and avoided certain death! OK, OK, I found it on a snake poster and it was completely harmless… probably. I kept going and finally came across the python. It was just sleeping on a big dead tree.

I went faster on the way back but still managed to see a turtle swimming along and had a giant stick bug almost fall on my head. It was neat because I thought it was just a leaf and then it caught hold on a branch in a way a leaf could never manage. I looked closer. Stick bug! It was probably about 8 inches long and had a green ant attacking its foot. I think that’s why it fell. Those green ants have nerves of steel!

The first stop on the way down was a different ice cream shop. This on allowed you to choose a flavor. They had a ton, but eliminating more common fruits narrowed it down. I ended up getting black sapote because it’s supposedly a super-creamy texture which you dress up with sugar and cocoa. So basically, super-creamy chocolate ice cream. It was really good.

Next we stopped at Mossman Gorge, which is an Aboriginal site. We got a guide who made us walk through smoke from a sacred fire to purify us. Then we got a lecture on tribe history. He showed us various paints they made from different things around the forest. Then we drove up to the sacred swimming hole and about half the group swam around while the other half wandered the boardwalk.

I was planning on swimming but the river bank was super rocky and shallow so I decided not to. I saw a wild turkey and yet another forest dragon on the boardwalk. I came across the second swimming spot, supposedly more dangerous, due to the river current. It was much better than the first. A small sandy beach and deeper water. At that point it was almost time to depart and I didn’t want to be soaking wet on the the bus so I just stuck my feet in.

Back in Cairns, I checked into the hostel and, on a whim, decided that after two weeks of being completely antisocial I should engage in a social activity. So I signed up for beer pong. I got teamed up with a German guy named Daniel. Our team name was The Biermeisters. I did really well the first game, but he sucked so we lost. But hey, free beer! We talked and had more beer (each of us bought a pitcher to share) until closing. He was very nice. I made a friend I’ll never see again!

9 Jan 2014

I actually managed to convince myself to get up for Pilates despite not going to bed until almost midnight! Afterwards I did some laps in the lagoon with the rest of the old folks who get up way too early. Getting in shape Aussie grandma style! My swimsuit bottoms couldn’t even handle staying on during a moderate freestyle. Seriously time for new ones.

Then I went to the geocache I couldn’t find yesterday. It’s actually under the boardwalk. After seeing the giant Beware of Crocodiles sign and weighing my options I decided I didn’t want it that bad. Though the 6 travel bugs inside made it very hard to resist.. So I went to the muscle man workout area and looked for the cache there. It was less crowded at early, so I was able to conduct a thorough search of the equipment and surrounds. No luck. At that point I figured the playground one would be crawling with children so I decided to give up.

Due to a severe salt shortage in the hostel I’ve been forced to eat my eggs with cheese for breakfast. Pro Tip: For any admirers planning on making me breakfast, I HATE eggs with cheese. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I attempted to go use the hostel computer but the hostel guy saw me trying to unplug the keyboard USB in the back of the computer to plug in my camera. Luckily he thought I was just trying to use the USB in the front and told me it didn’t work. I decide that only the less visible computer in the corner was good for illicit picture uploads.

That evening I attended the free body sculpt class. It was a lot more intense than Pilates. It involved running. WTF. I just wanted to pretend to exercise to feel good about myself. My abs were toast by the end. I was also pretty sweaty so I went into the lagoon to cool off and wait for hostel dinner time. I left the lagoon when some dude threw his spawn right next to me, then gave me a very half hearted apology. My book was all wet.

10 Jan 2014

I realized that I was wearing all my free bin stuff, hat, bag, and long beachy shirt. Super fashion forward.

It was Great Barrier Reef day! I arrived at the cruise terminal right at 730, a bit sweaty because I was power walking so as not to be late. I should have known they’d be planning on the tourists being late, especially in laid-back Cairns. I was one of the first people there. And all I was doing was checking in and getting my ticket. Boarding didn’t happen until 8. Some little old Asian lady talked to me and told me her granddaughter, who was sitting quietly nearby, was scuba diving that day. I realized when we were boarding that the old lady wasn’t coming. I think she was trying to make friends for her granddaughter before she left for her big scary alone adventure. The granddaughter mostly seemed embarrassed. We didn’t talk for the entire trip.

The winds were pretty strong so they advised seasick medication for anyone prone to seasickness. I bought some. Pro Tip: Bring sea sickness meds. They will charge you the price of a whole pack for just one on the boat. The ride out had some pretty massive waves. I tried to take a picture of the giant wake we were creating but I’m not sure it did it justice. The inside was pretty plush, as I had booked the fancy outer-reef, rich-people tour., but I stayed outside. I told myself I wanted to watch things go by, but really I tend to get less sick if I’m outside.

We got a nice snorkeling tutorial from the tiny Asian instructor guy. He was pretty funny, intentionally, not just because he was Asian. He did keep saying we could see “leemos”. I wasn’t sure what he was saying. Maybe lemur? That didn’t sound right. I’ve never heard of reef lemurs. I finally figured out he was saying “Nemos”. As in Clownfish. That made a lot more sense. Apparently they’re one of the main things people want to see despite them being in every dentist office ever (including in the movie).

I was hoping for octopuses, turtles, cuttlefish, and maybe non threatening sharks. I did not care about Nemos. I did end up with some Nemo pictures.

We reached the first site and put on our sting suits, aka the Blue Man audition suits. Pro Tip: Sting suits are meant to protect from jellyfish AND also the prevent sunburns. You’re floating in the water for over two hours. Wear one. I swam around a bunch and took lots of pictures. The most notable creature in the first site was a giant clam. Which wasn’t even giant compared to the next site’s giant clam. Other than that lots of colorful fishies. I like the parrotfish because their color range so widely. Unlike other fish that all tend to look alike. They can be purple,blue,yellow,orange,spotty,stripey,solid, or ugly brown. Or any combination of those.

The second site was the best. Because I bolted down lunch I had almost an hour and a half of snorkeling. I found the sandy patch full of giant clams. Then I found yet truly giant clam. I took a video of it closing up as I waved my hand over it, they’re very sensitive to changes in lighting. Then I accidentally, literally, ran into another snorkeler. She ask if I had see the turtles. I hadn’t. Apparently they had gone right by me as I was fixating on the clam. Damn it.

So I tried to not think about it and just look at all the other majesty. There were neat sea cucumbers and things to see. Then I saw a turtle! I followed it around for a solid 20 minutes taking videos and pictures. They are completely unconcerned with people following them unless you move too quickly. It was just eating algae off the coral. But very cutely. I was trying to catch it coming up for air but it turns out they can hold their breath a long-ass time. The boat horn blew, signaling us to come back before he needed to breathe.

The next site was the last. It was right near the continental shelf. There was a guided snorkel tour but after the very first thing, bringing up a sea cucumber for us to pet, it was pretty boring. Pro Tip: Guided snorkel tours aren’t worth it if you’ve ever seen a fish before. His little talks were over before most of the people caught up with him. Anyway he did find a shark and then promptly went down and pinched its tail. Which made it swim away. Not sure why he did that I’m sure people were trying to get pictures. Seemed like a douche move, him just trying to show off. I didn’t mind because I went off to follow the other one that no one else had seen.

That reef was supposed to be the best, but was the worst in my opinion. It was too deep. It was probably the best for the divers, but for us it was a lot less exciting. I’m pretty good at holding my breath and going pretty deep, the giant giant clam definitely was down there, but this was beyond me. So I just kinda went around the small portion that was shallower. I saw a blue spotted ray, but I had seen one at the first sight and videoed it. I didn’t feel like diving again. I was starting to get seasick. Yes, seasick while swimming. The waves a bit rougher near the shelf because the reef isn’t shallow enough to disrupt them.

I started taking pictures of the pretty corals because I thought they deserved some love too. I didn’t want to ignore them just because they don’t move. I take pictures of trees, after all. Apparently I missed the horn to go back to the boat. Because the lifeguard lady came by on a smaller craft to ask if i was ok. I said I was and headed back in. Back on board I went for my second dose of motion sickness mess.

We got back around 5. I decided to sit in the park and read since I had time to kill before dinner. I don’t like sitting around the hostel. It feels lazy and awkward. The the Zumba class started up right in front of me. I figured I had to join.

The Cairns airport was pretty tiny and the baggage came out almost immediately! Score! I proceeded to the bus depot without any difficulty. I was taking it in faith that the bus would show up since I had “booked” it. All that was entailed was putting my name and a few details into a website and it popping up a little message saying “see you at the airport”. The bus was just called Cairns Airport Shuttle. No payment required no email to confirm. Nothing. There were 4 other people waiting for him, which made me feel better. They were all as nervous as me about the shady booking site. But he showed up with a list of names about ten minutes later. And he only charged me $5, while charging the two girls $8 each and the two boys with surf boards $10 each. Maybe I just looked the most broke. It seemed completely random, but all were under the $12 the website quoted for airport to lodging rides. . The driver was very talkative and made fun of me for making two bookings. Every other word was “bloody”. He was quite entertaining. I’d definitely take that bus again.

We dropped the guys off first at an extremely dodgy looking hostel called The Asylum. It looked like an abandoned warehouse. The word Asylum was graffitied over a roll up door. You should have seen the look on their faces. Talk about budget accommodation. We almost wanted to go back for them. The bus driver assured us it was not actually a halfway house and that they’d be just fine.

My hostel looked nicer. There was an exceedingly friendly girl waiting there to check me in. No issue whatsoever. It was pretty late so I just claimed my bunk and put my stuff away real quick. I didn’t have a lock to lock my locker so I kept all my valuables on the bed that night. I didn’t really say hi to all my roomies hopefully they didn’t think I was being rude. They were all getting ready to go out.

They, of course came back at midnight and had absolutely zero worries about talking and banging around the room. Pro Tip: No one in a hostel gives a crap about being considerate towards others. This goes double if they’re in a large group. This on top of the girl below me talking to her parents for an hour on the phone. I wanted to punch something. I even had my earplugs in and my eye mask on. Didn’t make a difference. Finally got to sleep around 0030.

7 Jan 2014

I wanted to make a huge racket when I woke up, but I decided to be the bigger person and quietly got ready. I went off in search of a grocery store and a post office so I could get my tax ID. Google maps showed them right across the street from each other and not about two blocks from the hostel.

When I got to the location there was a department store instead. I was super confused until I realized the department store lead to the mall. The mall had the grocery store and post office in it. Weird.

So I got my tax ID without an issue with my 6-year-old, expired college ID. I decided to actually shop on a budget this time and have myself $50 to spend for the 7 day stay in cairns. I tracked everything I bought on my ipod as I shopped and I pretty much only bought things on sale. I went slightly over, due to an indulgent purchase of breath mints, but decided it was ok.

I went out to the balcony to eat and shortly thereafter was joined by the German chick from the bunk under mine. Her friends had left that night so she’s now alone in Cairns. We chatted about traveling and plans and whatnot. Then I went in to clean dishes. I was going to go exploriing but got sucked into my ipod and looking up stuff to do. Mostly stuff Karina, the German girl, mentioned.

It was about this time I began realizing public transport won’t get you anywhere interesting. After about two hours, I gave up and went down to the front desk. Pro Tip: Not only can you not get places by public transport, if you can find a way it’s usually more expensive than taking a tour anyway. So I left with pamphlets in hand about waterfalls, rainforests, and the reef. I was advised that I should cheap out on everything except the reef. Apparently the more expensive tours take you further out to less traveled reef, which entails higher levies from the government, hence the more expensiveness.

At that point I really did go exploring. I went down to the Esplanade, the pool by the beach. It was pretty packed but I managed to find myself a place to put my feet in. I didn’t feel like swimming and the water is only 1.5 meters deep so eh. I got hot pretty quickly and went to hide out under some nice trees. I was intending to look at my brochures but I took a little nap instead.

After I woke up, I wandered a bit and went in some tourist shops. Mainly I was looking at hats but ultimately decided they were too expensive and I’d just be diligent with the sunscreen. During my nap and wandering I decided I should just do the stuff I wanted to do and pay for it by not spending money on food and fancy lodging. I’m not sure I’ll ever be back so I should experience it now. So I went in and took up the exuberant hostels girl’s time for over an hour booking the fancy reef tour, a rainforest expedition for 3 nights, and an overnight waterfall adventure.

So with my plans all booked I headed up to the room. Karina was there so we chatted a bit about what I was doing. Then it was free dinner time so we went down and ate together. I think I officially have a friend.

I ended up falling asleep around ten with the hopes of getting up for Tai Chi.

8 Jan 2014

First, I forgot to mention that fact that I think I saw the worlds hairiest man at the Esplanade. He was fur from pretty much the nose down. He was wearing trunks but from what I saw of his back, belly, and legs I have no reason to believe the stuff under the trunks wasn’t hairy too. Very impressive

I didn’t get up quite early enough for Tai Chi, I got up at 7 and it started at 630. Whoops. Later If ound out it had been canceled anyway, so my physic powers were probably just helping me out.

I headed out to go geocaching. It took me all around. The first was by the mall, I didn’t find it. The second was in a kinda sketchy industrial area. I was concerned about being kicked out but no one saw me. It was stuck to a windmill. It looked like some sort of government issue ID sticker, but closer inspection revealed it was a magnet.

I walked along a grass sidewalk (it was actually a grass sidewalk. It has little ramps at the intersections so I don’t see how it could be anything else) in the outskirts to the next cache. I was trying to see non-touristy things, but managed to find the convention center. Oh well. I did see some bums, I was wondering where they’d been hiding. Next was a cache hidden in a fig tree that had been turned into a playground. After creeping around for the better part of an hour I gave up. Mostly because I felt creepy hanging around a playground staring at it intently.

That spit me out on the cruise line docks. They weren’t locked despite the lack of a ship so I walked along them until I got to a boardwalk and marina. There were neat folk stories posted on tree trunk and other trunks worth strategic holes drilled in them. If you looked through the holes you could see the area the folk story was talking about. After that there were tourist shops, which signaled my return to the Esplanade. I went there for a bit. And stayed a bit longer when I figured out there was free wifi. Pro Tip: The Esplanade is pretty cool. You can swim, do free exercise classes, and get free wifi. Probably all at the same time if you’re coordinated.

With nothing better to do I decided to do more caches. I went to one by a church and actually found it. Now I was in a still touristy, but slightly more, um, ethnic neighborhood. It was seedy and the Asians seemed to be quarantined there. A small amount if black people too. It’s sad that that always seems to be the case. The had some good shops, though. Then I headed to another back at the Esplanade. It turned out to be under a dock full of tourists so I decided it wasn’t a good idea. So 2 out of 5. Which probably isn’t bad considering how touristy the area is.

Then I was bored so I decided to hop on the internet and research the caches I couldn’t find. They were all I working order so I must just have been looking in the wrong places. I downloaded a few more and spend the next 15 minutes creeping. Again. This time it was at the workout area where all the muscle guys do push-ups and sit-ups. No luck. I vaguely looked for the others again while heading back for another pass at the fig tree. I really want that one cause it has a travel bug in it. Still nothing. I may try to hit it up early tomorrow when there are no children there.

4 Jan 2014

First I need to stop calling Sydney “Australia” in my head. It’s like calling Chicago the “United States”.

I flew Emirates and was honestly unimpressed, despite the good things I always hear. The TV didn’t work half the time. The food was only so-so and it took them over an hour to get it to us because the flight attendants allowed themselves to be distracted constantly by a few rowdy passengers. I arrived an hour late despite the airline holding our flight for an hour because they though we were going to be an hour early. I think they were struggling with time zones. Apparently the Sydney airport has a strict 6a curfew so you can’t arrive before that.

Pro Tip: Get your tourist or working visa electronically for a easy time in Australian customs. Baggage was pretty efficient the only odd part being my vodka going to the oversized baggage area rather than getting picked up on the jet bridge. Customs was so easy, 20-minute line and they waved me right through since I had my visa.

My friend Scarlett picked me up at the airport and we headed to her house. It’s a super cute little house in Stanmore which is only a 15 minute train ride to downtown Sydney. We left pretty quickly to go on a tour of the docks, downtown Sydney, and the quays.

I took lots of pictures. The art museum was having an America exhibit so of course I had to pose obnoxiously with they huge America sign. I saw a lot of Australian ducks, which look nothing like ducks, but are prolific around wander areas like ducks and have very little fear if people. Pro Tip: Australian ducks may or may not be ibises. We also saw wild cockatoos, they make the most horrendous sounds, and some magpies.

We saw the obligatory stuff like the opera house and the bridge by it. Like most of Australia, you can pay extravagantly to walk over the top. Everything here is best viewed from a distance, it will cost you 25-150 bucks to actually get close.Pro Tip: A lot of the museums in sydney are free. We walked along the expensive yuppie docks and picked out which yacht we’d want. I have pictures of it. We mainly wanted it because if you positioned the camera just right it looked like the call letters were PORN.

After that we went to The Rocks market. The Rocks is the area of Sydney near the rocky harbour. The market was fairly hippie-dense. Mostly stuff I can’t buy because I’m traveling light. We did get delicious wraps. Mine was pumpkin spinach and pesto. Scarlett’s was meatballs and spinach. I also decided at this moment, that I’m trying to do the vegetarian, gluten free thing while traveling. The wrap was my last gluten-y hurrah.

We got all showered up ready to go out in Newtown, which is a five minute walk from the house. Time to start drinking again… I’m actually pretty excited to not drink for a while. I may not drink the whole time I’m in Cairns and Brisbane. Well, that’s what I say now.

So we drank some of my vodka and headed out for a wild night on the town. Only problem was we were both super exhausted. We went to a place called The Bank in Newtown which was a lovely bar with a beer garden upstairs and a Thai restaurant downstairs. Scarlett bought a round and we headed to the garden. It was an awesome night. Unfortunately neither of us could keep our eyes open so I asked if we could go home. We walked home and got back around midnight. That’s right Sydney, watch out!

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5 Jan 2014

The next day I was up bright and early at 830 am. I ate my first delicious australian mango. The. We went to meet up with Scarlett’s friend. We went for coffee and hot chocolate. Luckily for my ankle, the coffee place was only a short walk. I had hot chocolate, but didn’t get food since I can’t afford eating out.

After that we came back and got ready for the beach. Scarlett’s roomie, was nice enough to give me a swim suit top since I’d lost mine in Edinburgh. The beach was nice. We played in the huge ing tides waves. Then we laid on the beach but it was super windy and sand was blowing everywhere so we left after an hour or so.

6 Jan 2014

We headed out to the Powerhouse Museum to the video game exhibit, but first we made a stop at the post office so I could get my Australian tax ID. Like most things government I did not have the proper identification the first time around. In addition to my passport and credit card the wanted a Medicaid card, Australian ID card, or student ID. The first two were unreasonable. I’d left my student ID at home. Pro Tip: Always bring your student ID My USA driver’s license was also unacceptable. Thoroughly annoyed I left.

Then we headed to the museum. It was over a neat bridge walkway that apparently used to be a part of a now defunct light rail that ran around the city. Apparently it was a money pit and an eyesore so they took it down and preserved this little chunk.

The museum cost more than expected since the video game exhibit was a special one. Again I was annoyed at having left my student ID at home. Pro Tip: Seriously, ALWAYS bring your student ID But oh well, we were there so i decided it was ok.

The exhibit was pretty fun. Lots old and new games. It wasn’t super crowded like I imagine a similar exhibit in the USA would be. I played a decent percentage of them, but mainly focused on the arcade games. Scarlett and I both agreed they could have done with more arcade games and less of the newer ones. It was also interesting that they purposefully excluded bloody or excessively violent games.

I also kicked her ass at two of the super old school versus arcade games where you sit opposite each other and the screen is horizontal.

The rest if the museum was neat. Lots of hands on displays because it was basically a children’s museum. In the end, I’m not sure if the $22 was worth it to get in, or if $12 would be worth it without the games exhibit. But I did something in Sydney aside from window-touristing, and that’s a good thing.

The I headed for the airport. I decided to just take the train and it was really easy. The trains in Sydney are quick and clean. It took about 30 minutes which really isn’t much longer than it took to drive. My ankle was complaining a bit by the end by I made it with plenty of time to spare.

The flight was uneventful. I flew Virgin Australia. They give you a free checked bag, which is practically unheard of these days, and there was even free water, juice and tea/coffee.

When I was at the Sydney airport I was just double checking on the hostel location when I read the check in closed at nine. Pro Tip: Many hostels in Australia don’t have 24 hour reception. Be sure to double check and arrange for late check-in, if necessary. I panicked and quickly sent an email hoping they would get it and I wouldn’t be homeless. That was right before I got on the plane so I had no idea if they got it. I just hoped.

1 Jan 2014

I laid indecisively in bed until about 8:30a when Bertha began pestering me. By that time it was way too late to figure out the bus to the Loony Dook. I didn’t feel like paying for a cab since Queensferry is about a 25 minute drive from Bertha’s so, after one sip of mimosa grossed me out, I just offered to drive us. Bertha polished off the entire bottle of champagne and we left.

We arrived without getting lost and I even managed to drive on the correct side of the road the whole time! Pro Tip: Mentally chanting ‘Left to Live’ in your head keeps you from becoming hamburger on the righthand side. It also helps reduce glares on escalators. It was a decent walk especially since we were very close to late and had to park pretty far away. We got to the check in with minutes to spare. Got free T-shirts, disgusting raisin granola bars (we both set them down for a hobo to find), and wristbands. We joined the end of the parade. There were a few sweet costumes including sumo wrestlers blow up costumes, flowers in flower pots, mermaids, and a lot of sweet onesies.

We made it to the water and went in with only a little hesitation. Mainly to remove outer clothing layers. We had decided to do University of Arizona theme and had tattoos all over our faces, matching T-shirts, and a flag and pennant. Then we plunged in. The water was literally freezing. We were about up to our thighs when we turned back, but Bertha lost feeling in her feet and her flip flop slid off. In a heroric rescue effort she went back in up to her waist to get it. I didni’t feel properly miserable so I went back in and jumped/fell in up to my neck. The nice part about my feet being numb was when I lost my flops flops I could walk on the rocky bottom and it didn’t hurt at all! I stumbled out and we took a few more pictures. More men with large cameras took pics of us. Again, not sure if they were professionals or just creepy…

After a few minutes my feet had recovered. Bertha’s were still frozen and beginning to hurt. There was another girl in the verge of tears because her feet hurt so bad. Bertha hobbled along for quite a while before she recovered. She said it hurt super bad. She also got a foot Herpe, probably from cutting it on a gross river rock.Not sure how my feet magically became good at circulation, but I was fine. Probably because I wear flip flops in winter in Madison. Yay, I win!

We made it back to the car, retrieving Bertha’s red solo cup that she had left on the way in. I imported those things for her and she will lose one over her dead body. It had contained her roadie but she had left it because she was concerned about getting in trouble for having it while walking, yet was unconcerned about the ride over.

Bertha went to work the next day (Thursday) and I woke up at noon and packed for Australia. I went through with my last minute decision to not bring the laptop. We’ll see how I do on the iPod. Pro Tip: Running a blog dependant on the hostel computers is HARD.

I was sad to go, but not super sad since it had been a long week of drinking. I look forward to a more sober time in Australia.

The flights were uneventful. I had enough time in all connections. Even had enough time to pick up some duty free vodka in Dubai. I was kinda surprised they even sold alcohol there, being a Muslim country. But I guess money talks. And it says booze is cheap in Dubai. Pro Tip: A litre of Skyy vodka is at least $10 cheaper in Dubai than Sydney.

Sydney here I come!

29 Dec 2013

Hangover day! We slept/watched Netflix until the late afternoon, finally rousing ourselves to meet some of Bertha’s friends at a brewpub called the Hanging Bat. The pub was cool, we took it easy and only had a few beers before heading home. We finally stopped by a chip shop, I got delicious chips and cheese. I guess you can only find chip shops while sober, which just seems cruel.

30 Dec 2013

Today is the beginning of New Years (a.k.a. Hogmanay) celebration! We were planning on going out and being productive but didn’t wake up until super late. Pro Tip: If you want to reduce jet lag try to get on the local schedule immediately, force yourself to be awake or sleep on the plane as necessary. DO NOT go out partying every night. You will end up nocturnal. Anyway, it was also raining. Yay, excuse to stay in! So we decide to just start drinking since neither of us was particularly hung over and we didn’t have anything else we needed to do. Also drinking didn’t require leaving the house. We were running low on vodka but we solved that problem. We started out with the typical beer pong but after a few games, including the 3d version, we got bored.

Side note: The 3D version was actually pretty easy. The only rule changes are that you had to clear an entire level before any balls you made in power levels counted. Also there were no re-racks allowed.

nyway then we decided to switch to BattleShots since we had played entirely too much beer pong the past 3 days. We had, sadly, run out of vodka. We did the only thing we could. We went to Betha’s bottle of baijiu from Olga. We had also run out of chaser at this point so we were using pink lemonade mix. It was a desperate time in our lives.

It was disgusting. Obviously we had to finish it because it was so small leaving it for another day would be pointless. We abandoned our game after we had each sunk a ship and just finished off the baijou like real men. Or something. We were running pretty late at that point. The torchlight procession started at 7. We figured we would be given flashlights since they call flashlights torches in the UK. And who would trust a bunch of drunken assholes with fire? Apparently Scotland, that’s who. We show up to a ridiculously long line of people with unlit fire swords. Literal swords of fire. We began to get a bit more excited. We had clearly made the right decision when we decided not to skip this. We got to the fire sword distribution center and had to convince the line guard that we had tickets. We had to say it numerous time I don’t know why he wouldn’t believe the drunken Americans. So we claimed a couple of the last fire swords. At this point they were out of paper hilts, which some people in line had warned us were critical. Pro Tip: Arrive before the exact start time if you do not want the dregs of the fire swords. We tried picking up some soggy ones from the ground but, being paper, they disintegrated immediately so we had to go without. But burning your hands is a small price to pay to play with a SWORD OF FIRE!

Rather than waiting in the giant queue we decided instead to go between some of the barriers and just start mid procession. Pro Tip: When involved in a giant clusterf of people never, ever wait in line. We sword fought a bit and then started attempting to blow them out. Mine went out easily but Bertha struggled with hers. Some guy with a big camera, we’re not convince he was a professional, found us struggling amusing and took some pictures. Eventually with some coordinated huffing and puffing hers went out. We doused them in a puddle for good measure. Now we are saving them for drunken fun when I come back.

We left the procession after about ten minutes to head to the train station. We had told one of Bertha’s friends in Dunfermlin that we’d go there for his birthday. The train station was easy enough and we arrived about five minutes early. Dunfermlin was nice. Kinda quaint small town feeling. We had to walk up a giant hill (of course) to get to bar. We had one drink and left after about 45 minutes. We were both fairly sober and hungry at this point so we headed to the “chippy” and grabbed delicious chips with cheese, jalapenos, and garlic sauce. I think I could live on chips. They were better than the ones in Edinburgh due to the excessive amount of toppings. We went back to the station and caught the earlier-than-intended train home.

31 Dec 2013

New Year’s Day! We did have some errands to run so we actually made it out if the house during the day. Granted I think it was still 2p when we left the house but the sun was up so it counts.

So anyway we got in the car and tried to plug in the gps. The car charger fell completely apart in the lighter socket. We tried to dig the piece out and it was sparking at us. Finally it stopped sparking and we got everything out. We managed to get the charger back together but think we blew a fuse in the car because the cigarette lighter stopped working entirely.

The main order of business was getting a Hogmanay ticket for Bertha’s friend Kenny. So we went to find that building. We also went New Years dress shopping for Bertha at the mall. We found the dress in the first five minutes which was totally odd. The jewelry went just as quickly and included a sweet snake ring that I’m totally jealous of. I managed to avoid buying unnecessary things.

We went through the Christmas market just a bit and got crepes. We didn’t really stay too long since the rest is touristy souvenir stuff and nobody has time for that. We also decided not to get hot toddies and wait until we were back for the New Year celebration since it happens in the same place. That never happened, I’m sure they weren’t worth it anyway.

So we went home, got ready, and did a bit of pre-gaming. Then we went to meet Phil (Kenny bailed so Phil was taking the ticket). All of us were packing flasks, like professionals, so we just bought sodas. As expected drinks were pretty expensive, suckas! Pro Tip: Pre-game and pack a flask to save money but still party like it 1999! Then we decided we weren’t drunk enough for the flasks to work so we went to a bar called Jekyll and Hyde which Bertha had been wanting to visit. The bar was super cool with nice gothic touches everywhere.

The street celebration was fine. We drank our flask beverages watched the fireworks and then headed back. I had brought my heels out and wanted to go dancing. The first place we stopped in we kinda lost Phil to some guy he knew. We tried to go in without him (I was under the impression we were intentionally ditching him) but it turned out the cover was 20 pounds not the 3 they had originally told us so we left. Phil was gone.

Anyway we hit a piano bar next because it had no cover. I got bored pretty quickly so we left soon. On the way home I remembered I had my blow up unicorn horns so I have nice pictures of Bertha sitting in the street to inflate one.

My adventure is beginning! First stop Edinburgh for Hogmanay!

27 Dec 2013

I flew through Dublin on Aer Lingus. The first flight was pretty nice, because it was international. It surprised me because Aer Lingus is usually a pretty cheap airline that makes money by charging for EVERYTHING. The food was good, service was good and generally it was a smooth flight, right up until the end. The wind in Dublin was crazy bad making for a very tense landing. The giant plane was blowing all over. But the pilot stuck the landing and got a big round of applause from the passengers. Pro Tip: Call or go online and book your checked bags in advance. The fee is reduced.

The Dublin airport was FREEZING. I took to hiding in the bathroom which was heated. Yes, just sitting in a stall on my iPod. When I wasn’t chillin in the bathroom I was curled into a ball in a tiny nook I found behind a heated restaurant. At this point I think I was about 24 hours in with only 3 hours of sleep, so I was a pretty sad panda. Pro Tip: Bring a carry on and a personal item. Flying through Dublin I was allowed to have both, probably because it was an international flight. Double check if you’re flying within Ireland.

I was told I could only have one carry on, no personal item. Not true, everyone on the flight besides me seemed to have gotten that memo. Customs said as long as whatever you bought was OK if it was still sealed. So I could have brought cheap vodka from the States ARRRRGGGGG!!!

The next flight was a regional plane to Edinburgh. It was the tiniest plane ever, propellers and everything. An adrenaline-fueled mother could have probably lifted it off her baby. Pro Tip: You can bring Duty Free liquids (a.k.a. stock up on booze) through Dublin. As long as the container and Duty Free wrapping is still sealed.

As mention before, the weather was terrible, so my flight was delayed about 3 hours, though they delayed it in 45 minute increments so I couldn’t just go pass out somewhere. I had to keep emerging from my warm hiding spots to check the status of the flight. I can.t imagine what the people thought of me emerging from the bathroom every 30 minutes, just to go back in.

The tiny little plane was closer to what I expect from European flights, and Aer Lingus. Everything cost money, even juice and water. Luckily I’d just chugged the water bottle I’d filled in O’Hare in Dublin customs, I always forget I have it until the guy up front starts asking about liquids. At least I was well hydrated and avoided $5 plane water with poop in it. (Seriously, studies show planes have the highest rate of coliforms in their water. It is less true of the individual bottles, but those are bad for other reasons). It was a surprisingly smooth flight for a prop plane, though once again the landing was crazy. The weather was awful in Edinburgh too and the plane was literally blowing sideways. Our pilot was determined, though, and rather than taking another pass he just dove in for a fast landing. I think he was a fighter pilot reject with something to prove. We made it. The upside was I was late enough for Bertha to come get me rather than having to wander around Edinburgh trying to find her apartment loaded with 100 lbs of luggage. Cobblestones are death to luggage wheels. We pretty much both got to the airport pickup site at the exact same time.

Of course we went to a bar that night; what’s jet lag? It was a metal bar called Opium which was filled with a nice mix of people, from normal looking to completely goth-ed out. The later we stayed the more metal they got. The music was all 80s metal and nothing current, but I’ll take that over Top 40 any day. I found some friends to head bang with and that was fun. I had a haggis bomb, which is Irn-Bru and Jager, a Desperado, which is Mexican beer with tequila in it, and I found the Holy Grail! Dragon, which is their equivalent of 4Loko, the caffeinated kind! Why do I insist on repeating my 4Loko mistakes?? This is the most poignant reminder that just because something exists doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Despite all that we managed to make a good decision and left a little before 2a.

28 Dec 2013

We began the day with some Will Farrell. We started with Anchorman, after which we attempted to watch The Campaign. Unfortunately the associated drinking game we found for it was super boring. So we switched to Elf, which has a delightful drinking game involving candy canes and puffins. Also, there are entire websites devoted to making everything a drinking game!

Next was beer pong! I beat Bertha at all three games of beer pong, the games were close but it was amusing that the one time we took pictures I was significantly ahead and someone called her out on it.

By the time we were ready to go out was already almost midnight so we chugged our shooters and headed out. We went to a bar called Espionage. Apparently it’s very dodgy by Scottish standards (read: perfect for Americans!). The dance club was four floors down in a nice cave-y type place. Very cool. Pro Tip: The cabs in Edinburgh are nearly instantaneous. Don’t call unless you’re ready to go!

We danced pretty much alone for the first hour. At one point were were joined by a creepy guy and his friend. We we mostly avoiding them when one kinda danced by us followed by a noxious smell. He crop dusted us! He left a few minutes later. I told Bertha I thought he had left, but Bertha said he was probably going to the bathroom because he pooped himself. He did come back after about 30 minutes, so he was probably pooping.

We left the dance floor to go to the bathroom ourselves, not pooping though, and found an awesome vending machine in the bathroom. It had sticky boobs, penises, and blow up sheep. Wayyy more useful than those feminine product vending machines.

Anyway at this point some guys at the bar who had kinda been hitting on Bertha. The one started hitting on her more and after about an hour of complete indecision determined that we were worth the investment and bought us shots. They talked a little more and I just kinda did my own thing. We ended up leaving around 4. Once again we tried and failed to find a chip shop. How can it be this hard?!?!

I am extremely stubborn, and I loathe even the implication that I can’t do something. So, naturally, when my partner, C, told me I could use WordPress (which installs in 5 minutes) or I could check out Octopress (which would probably prove too hard) I went with Octopress.

I took a Unix class. In college. Ten-ish years ago. I got this. Ruby, you say? I know some Java, I’m sure they’re the same, right? Git. OK, is this some clever new technology, or did someone just phoenetically spell ‘get’ in some tragic parody of the English language? (Spoiler: It’s clever new-to-me technology).

So, I began my adventure. First thing was to upgrade Ruby to 1.9.3, DreamHost runs 1.8.7 by default. There were also some fairly ominous warnings about only upgrading Ruby if you really know what you’re doing. DreamHost won’t help you when you screw it all up. Hmmmm, sounds like I’m a prime candidate. I began wildly copy-pasting bits of code from this awesome website I found. You did get that I was pulling this all out of my ass, right?

Anyway, my liberal use of paste got me some ugly red text pretty quick. Turns out tutorial sites are most helpful when you read them rather than ripping out anything that looks like code (OOHH! A hashtag, quick get it!) you should READ it. Half the things I was pasting were mean to be copied into files so the other half of the things I was pasting could reference them. Uh, wait, make files? I was quickly ehausting my Unix knowledge (ls, cd, pwd, that’s it, right?). So a bit of helpfulness from C woke up the old synapses that knew about vi. OK, files made.

So Ruby was good to go. Next I had to get (git??) Octopress. I clicked on the link expecting some nice popup with a nice exe that would know exactly where it needed to be. I got a list of files and directories. What the hell am I supposed to so with this crap?!? I was fairly certain I was not supposed to download everything individually. Real haxors would never! It was at this point things went downhill. C jumped in and did some lightning fast stuff and Voila! Octopress was in. Some other fast magic involving raking things happened and suddenly I had a very gross looking directory where my beautiful blog should have been! We then tried the rsync step. Being unclear on why we needed to sync my blog to itself, we had created the /octopress directory inside the /travel directory. Turnsout when you try to sync things to themselves it goes badly. Octopress didn’t know what to think about trying to sync with its containing directory. /travel didn’t haveanything in it, so it made the only obvious choice. It deleted everything. WHAT?!?! Great, 2 hours down the tubes. Bastard.

By this time C was clearly over it and I was on my own. I made a SEPARATE directory for Octopress, but had no clue how he had actually gotten it from magical internet land into my server. So I went off in search of my next tutorial. Git. I found yet another awesome site. I actually read it this time. SEE, I’M LEARNING :D I learned all about commits and nodes and pulls and pushes and branches and merges. Now I’m a super git genius! I even made a github account and started a repository for my awesome new blog!

Unfortunately this is not the happy ending. I had git working, I had my repository but I still clearly lacked a fundamental understanding. Once I changed my source from Octopress my repository everything went away! (Shocking, I know. Like I said fundamental understanding not in place). I figured I’d screwed it up by simultaneously changing the blog to reside in /travel, I found some neglected instructions and, of course, decided to immediately and forecfully implement the changes with no testing. When my site disappeared I figured the changes had hosed it. I later realized I actually needed things in my repostory for things to show up. Imagine! But at the time the best course seemed to be to delete everything (again) and start over. Sigh.

Sidebar: I’m now lightning fast at Ruby upgrades and Octopress installs.

I updated the /travel stuff first, I changed my _config.yml, in short, I was on a roll! Things were awesome. Then it happened, the bulb turned on. I needed to push my changes to my repository! Hallelujah, the angels were singing! I committed and pushed and deployed and I had a real live blog! Success! 8 hours of banging on a keyboard… to enable myself to bang on a keyboard around the world. Worth it.